Five Minute Friday: On Waiting

The late afternoon sunlight streams thru the glass, dances across the floor in a beautiful pattern of soft color. But she doesn't notice. She is to intent, to focused on what lies beyond the glass – the driveway where he will soon park.

 

Minutes slowly tick by on the clock above the mantel. A soft hum of a car catches her attention; she hurries to the doorway – blue eyes dancing with excitement. But then her faces falls, as the car drives on by. It wasn't him.

 

She attempts to distract herself from the waiting. But it is a failure, nothing holds her focus for long. Another hum of an engine, but this time she waits in the middle of the room. Too scare to look for fear of being disappointed.

 

The she hears the doorknob turn. And she breaks into a toothless smile, claps her hands, and walks over to the man she loves most in the world. Her Daddy!

 

Time's Up.  I recently discovered, the wonderful Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama, who encourages her readers to write for five minutes straight while abandoning worries about grammar or edits or word choice. We are simply to write.  Today's prompt: On Waiting

Bigger Picture Moments: Mommy Guilt

This Thursday, I am particpating in Bigger Picture Moments - a place where bloggers share the harvest of living intentionally by capturing the bigger picture through simple moments.

 

 

For 98.082% of her life, Jocelyn has been cared for by immediate family members. And yes, I sat down and calculated the exact percentage – because I am a nerd. However, recent events have made it such that care by family members was no longer feasible.

 

Just after her first birthday, Jocelyn was enrolled as a full-time student at the daycare that is a part of the health system where I work. The facility is top notch – with loving staff members, age appropriate curriculum that aids in development, and is located only 2 minutes from my office. It is the perfect place for Joycelen.

 

But as was inevitable, as soon as I left her with the teachers in her new classroom, I felt myself succumbing to the dreaded mommy guilt. I felt guilty that she was in daycare, I felt guilty that I was a working mama. This simple guilt built up until I had convinced myself that I was a horrible mother – making wrong decision after wrong decision that would scar my child for life. ( Overly dramatic – of course! But that's how my mind works when I feel guilty).

 

At 5:00 p.m., I literally leapt from my chair and hurried to pick her up from daycare. I expected a huge grin, lots of hand clapping, and big kisses since in my mind, I was "rescuing her". Instead, I found a little girl who stuck out her bottom lip, shook her head no, and refused to leave with me.  Apparently, she wanted to continue playing blocks with her new found friends. 

 

Rather than feeling even worse because my child did not want to leave with me…..I was elated. Joycelen had felt so at ease – made new friends so quickly – that she wanted to stay. Mommy Guilt vanished – and a bigger cause of Mommy pride arrived.  Pride at my daughter's growth……and pride at me for making the right choice even if it was a difficult one.

Wordless Wednesday

Here I go Again

Most of my childhood friends would tell you that they thought I would grow up to be an author, since I was always "writing another book". But somewhere along the way, my love of words – and as an extension writing – got lost.

 

  At the end of 2007, I discovered the world of blogging, and my writing was reborn.  I faithfully blogged my thoughts, my feelings, the daily happenings of my life for all the world to see. However, my readership only consisted of my father, a few college friends, and a few random readers that I had met thru other blogs.

 

 But I kept writing – thru the devastating end of a 4 year relationship, thru my decision to move home, thru a whirlwind romance with the man of my dreams, my wedding, honeymoon, and pregnancy. I blogged diligently about the birth of my beautiful daughters, and all the amazing moments that have composed the first year of her life.

 

I am not sure how, or when, but once again, my writing has been lost in the shuffle of life. The daily routine of rising, working, taking care of family responsibilities has left me with little time to write. At first, I was okay with it, but now I am beginning to feel out of sorts, less like me.

 

I realized this morning that I truly miss my writing. That my soul needs a creative outlet – that this blog is that outlet.  So here I am , again, plunging back into the blogging world with renewed vigor.

 

My goal is simple to write something every day.  I have no grand ideas about what I will write – it may be a profound insight, it may be a random thought I have, or a synopsis of my day. But I am going to write……..because for me writing is a necessity.

 

And if I am lucky, you – the reader – will be blessed by my writings and continue to share in this journey with me.

Wordless Wednesday: What a difference a Year Makes

Happy Birthday Joycie !

Joycelen,

For 365 days, I knew this moment would come…the moment when you would celebrate your first year of life. The moment when I would sit down and try to find the words to capture all the emotions that the last year has encapsulated. And even with all of the forethought, the planning, the preparing, this milestone has taken me by surprise. I catch myself looking for the sleepy infant that I brought home from the hospital – instead I find myself looking into the face of a toddler. And while the tinest part of my heart misses the newborn you, I would not trade one moment of the last year for anything.

Nearly from the moment of your birth, you made it known that a) you did things on your own time table and b) you, much like your Daddy are laid-back. Like any new Mommy, I read about developmental milestones, the projected timetables, and watched your constantly for signs of the first smile, you rolling over, sitting up. Each time it would seem that you were taking forever to reach the next milestone, and then over night you’d be doing it. And when I would get so excited at your new accomplishment, you’d flash me a look as if to say “Mama, chill out. I got this growing up thing covered.” Prior to your arrival, I had prepared myself for brining home a screaming, crying, colicky infant. Instead, your Daddy and I brought home a baby who slept for nearly 4 hours a stretch, started sleeping thru the night at 2 months old, and transitioned to her own crib at 6 months. You never seem to meet a stranger, freely giving smiles to new people, and rarely do you get upset – unless we are slow to feed you or tell you “No.”

Joycie – you are dynamic and full of life – showing no fear at taking on new challenges, rather that’s a new daycare or learning to walk. Each night you fall asleep with a smile, and wake up with the same. You are utterly content in who you are – and that has been a constant lesson that you have taught me……to be at peace with who I am, where I am, and to simply enjoy the moment.

I suppose like any other letter to you, I should include your stats:

- You are wearing size 18 months clothing, size 3 diapers.

-You weigh 21 pounds, and seem to be growing an inch every day. I do not have an accurate length measurement, because you never stay still long enough.

- You are a busy little girl, who loves to toddle around the house, or run if you have your push toy from Nana and Papa.

- You have come to discover a new found appreciation for the outdoors. You especially like riding on the tractor with Daddy and swinging on the porch swing with Mama.

- You vocabulary is still growing, with Mama, Dadda, and bye-bye being your most frequent used words.

- With your two teeth, you are managing to transition to nearly all table food, and really like spaghetti, yogurt, and eggs. You still dislike peas (and I can’t say that I blame you).

The last 365 days have been an adventure, Joycelen, full of twists, turns, bumps, a few bruises, the occasional bought of tears (yours and mine), lots of hugs, and big wet kisses. I have loved every single minute of it…..and look forward to seeing what the next year has in store for us.

I love you baby!

~Mama

Reflecting on a Year Ago….

365 days ago, I was physically miserable.  My body had reached maximum capacity – with Joycelen taking up every available inch of space. I ached all over – from the top of my head to the bottom of my very swollen feet. A pregnancy that had been pain and problem free for the 38 weeks prior, suddenly felt like torture. And to add insult to injury, my body showed no true signs of beginning to prepare for labor. Therefore, a year ago, our amazing OB/BYN Dr. H told M and I that she was going to induce me on March 4th.  And that night, with much aniticpation, excitement, and a healthy dose of fear, we made the final preparations to welcome Joycelen Rebecca into the world.