What Does Surrender Look Like?

On Thursday, I blogged about how I was going to start practicing surrender in my walk with the Lord.  However, I did not discuss what I was surrendering. At the time of the post, the decision to surrender this area of my life was so new - the thought of discussing it felt too raw, too revealing.

But now, I feel compelled to share. Perhaps my openness about my journey will encourage someone else who is struggling to surrender an area of their own life to the Lord.

On November 1, 2011, I stepped on the scale and saw the numbers "129".  It was the lowest weight I had seen since my eating disorder days. I was happy because it was a number that I had obtained the healthy way thru proper diet and working out.  That afternoon, I went to the birthday party of my friend's daughter. I enjoyed cake and ice cream...thinking that I had arrived at my goal weight so I could relax a little.

Then came the holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's.  I kept relaxing - eating more sweets, working out less, and by mid-January I weighed 142 pounds.  Then my body went completely haywire. I'll spare you the gruesome details but just know that my womanly parts were not working properly.  A visit to my doctor left me with the diagnosis of endometriosis and a prescription for a high dose hormone birth control. May 2012 was the last time I had a period.  And my weight continue to climb.

In the fall of 2012, Micheal and I began to discuss the possibility of having a second child.  For so long we had been certain that we did not want an addition to our family, but suddenly we were both having twinges of longing.

The conversations carried thru the winter and into early spring. Finally, after seeing yet another pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I told Micheal "I am fine if we don't have a baby, and I will be happy if we do. But for me it's now or never."

He told me he wanted a baby, so we agreed that I'd go back to the doctor to get the okay.  And assuming I lost the 20 pounds I wanted to lose by August, we'd start trying then.

See that - I had put a caveat on adding to our family. I needed to lose 20 pounds.

My doctor gave me her blessing earlier this month.  And we told our close family our plans.  But I have never felt peace about it. I had spent years battling an eating disorder, fighting to love my body for what it can do - not what it looks like - and now I was putting my family on hold for a number on the scale.

In my quiet times, I would feel the Lord telling me to trust Him.

"But Lord, if I get pregnant right now, think about how much I'll weigh....the extra strain on my body"

"Trust me."

This conversation played out over and over again for the past 3 weeks. Then on Tuesday, a good friend (who had no idea of this situation) made the comment " Maybe you should just go off the birth control and let you body be natural."

Her words felt as though the Lord had hit me over the head with a 2 X4.  Micheal and I talked....and when I woke up Wednesday morning, I did NOT take my birth control pill.

Sure, I would like to lose a few more pounds before I get pregnant. I would be lying if I said I did not.  However, I am trusting the Lord with my body, with my family, and with my future.

Surrender

I am the classic Type-A personality. 

Wikipedia describes this personality as "ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status conscious, can be sensitive, care for other people, are truthful, impatient, always try to help others, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point,proactive, and obsessed with time management. People with Type A personalities are often high-achieving "workaholics" who multi-task, push themselves with deadlines, and hate both delays and ambivalence" (Bolded words highlight the traits that I see in myself)

When we were dating, Micheal would often laugh at the variety of lists that I carried with me.  There was my work to-do list, the list of daily chores, the list of weekly chores, the list of monthly cleaning schedule, a grocery list, my workout plan, the list of books I wanted to read.... and on and on.

I live for my lists, my routines, my control.

So what happens if life throws me a curve ball and I have to change my plans mid-stream?

I FREAK OUT!

My desire to always be in control and live by my routines has lead to numerous disagreements in my 4 short years of marriage. In my head, I have a vision of how our day is supposed to unfold. But when you are trying to get 3 people - one of which is a toddler - thru the day something inevitable happens.  Then I would get flustered, feel agitated, and wind up snapping at Micheal. I was angry that he wasn't sticking to the plan.  Problem was, I had never told him the plan.

I've taken this same approach with my faith. I try to plan my quiet times,  plan my time to pray, plan my time to give service to my Heavenly Father.  But that's not how it works, if God is going to be the Lord of my life. He has to be the one in CONTROL. And I am supposed to surrender.

Psalm 37:7-9 says

 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,over the man who carries out evil devices! Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land."

Wait patiently - that is not easy for me to do. However, the Lord has been calling for me to do this. He is asking me to surrender my plan, releasing the death grip I have on my life, to throw away my "control" of my life and wait on Him.

The thought is terrifying to me. Part of me (a really large part) wants to throw temper tantrum like my 3 year old and say "No. I don't want to and you can't make me."  But the small voice inside of me is whispering that my life has proven time and time again that God's plan far exceeds my own.  And so I am taking a deep breath, uttering a prayer, and surrendering to my God.