What Does Surrender Look Like?

On Thursday, I blogged about how I was going to start practicing surrender in my walk with the Lord.  However, I did not discuss what I was surrendering. At the time of the post, the decision to surrender this area of my life was so new - the thought of discussing it felt too raw, too revealing.

But now, I feel compelled to share. Perhaps my openness about my journey will encourage someone else who is struggling to surrender an area of their own life to the Lord.

On November 1, 2011, I stepped on the scale and saw the numbers "129".  It was the lowest weight I had seen since my eating disorder days. I was happy because it was a number that I had obtained the healthy way thru proper diet and working out.  That afternoon, I went to the birthday party of my friend's daughter. I enjoyed cake and ice cream...thinking that I had arrived at my goal weight so I could relax a little.

Then came the holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's.  I kept relaxing - eating more sweets, working out less, and by mid-January I weighed 142 pounds.  Then my body went completely haywire. I'll spare you the gruesome details but just know that my womanly parts were not working properly.  A visit to my doctor left me with the diagnosis of endometriosis and a prescription for a high dose hormone birth control. May 2012 was the last time I had a period.  And my weight continue to climb.

In the fall of 2012, Micheal and I began to discuss the possibility of having a second child.  For so long we had been certain that we did not want an addition to our family, but suddenly we were both having twinges of longing.

The conversations carried thru the winter and into early spring. Finally, after seeing yet another pregnancy announcement on Facebook, I told Micheal "I am fine if we don't have a baby, and I will be happy if we do. But for me it's now or never."

He told me he wanted a baby, so we agreed that I'd go back to the doctor to get the okay.  And assuming I lost the 20 pounds I wanted to lose by August, we'd start trying then.

See that - I had put a caveat on adding to our family. I needed to lose 20 pounds.

My doctor gave me her blessing earlier this month.  And we told our close family our plans.  But I have never felt peace about it. I had spent years battling an eating disorder, fighting to love my body for what it can do - not what it looks like - and now I was putting my family on hold for a number on the scale.

In my quiet times, I would feel the Lord telling me to trust Him.

"But Lord, if I get pregnant right now, think about how much I'll weigh....the extra strain on my body"

"Trust me."

This conversation played out over and over again for the past 3 weeks. Then on Tuesday, a good friend (who had no idea of this situation) made the comment " Maybe you should just go off the birth control and let you body be natural."

Her words felt as though the Lord had hit me over the head with a 2 X4.  Micheal and I talked....and when I woke up Wednesday morning, I did NOT take my birth control pill.

Sure, I would like to lose a few more pounds before I get pregnant. I would be lying if I said I did not.  However, I am trusting the Lord with my body, with my family, and with my future.

Happy Being Me...

For those readers you followed me from my old blog , you know that one of the things I have struggled with is the eating disorder bulimia. Although, I have not had an episode in nearly 4 years, I have still struggled with the underlying issues that led to my disorder - obsession with what foods I eat, working out, feeling bad if I ate something unhealthy.

Since M and I have been together he has helped to me to shift my focus from a # of the scale or a size on a clothing label to just being healthy. And for him being healthy means not obsessing about the numbers, enjoying a piece of cake if he wants eat, moving more if his jeans get snug. I've been working to adopt his mentality, but haven't felt like I was getting anywhere close to that place, until yesterday.

The hospital that I work for opened our new 2nd floor addition yesterday, complete with ribbon cutting ceremony and lots of yummy foods. Pre-M, I would have calculated the calories in each hors d'oeuveres, avoided everything but the fruit and veggies, and not had a piece of celebratory cake. Instead, I had small samples of each yummy item, went heavier on the fruits and veggies, and had my piece of cake. The best part was that I ate and didn't feel bad about it afterwards. I didn't dash back to my office to tally the calorie damage and estimate how long I would have to work out to burn off the calories I had consumed. And I didn't skip dinner to offset the meal either.

Instead, I did the 20 minutes of step aerobics that I had planned on doing prior to the festivities, ate a reasonable supper, and felt good in my own skin. And that's a HUGH accomplishment for me!