July 22, 2010

Bigger Picture Moment: Finally Happy with Me

Life often gets hectic, busy, and in the hurried pace we can overlookg the bigger picture. Each week the lovely ladies of Bigger Picture Blogs invite bloggers to take a momen to find the bigger picture. If you would like to join in the fun, head over here for more information and to link up.
It has happened a few times lately. Once at the local department store while I was shopping for a new pair of dress pants. Then again, while standing in line at the local sandwich shop. In both instances, the comment was made “You are tinier now than before you got pregnant.”

It is not their comment that is surprising but rather my reaction to it – I am caught off guard - they follow up their comment with asking what I weigh – and I do not have an answer for them. Why is this important?

Each morning for nearly 5 years, I began my day in the exact same manner. Wake up, use the restroom, and step on the scale. Depending on the number reflected, I would set my daily calorie allowance, determine how long I would need to work out, and then head off to work. And I would happily tell everyone that my eating disorder was under control. I would proudly declare that I had not had a bulimic episode in ___ years.

But the reality was that I had exchanged an eating disorder for disordered eating. There was still a lack of joy in my life. Food was classified by “good” or “bad”. Workouts were done for the most calorie burn, not because I enjoyed them or wanted to challenge myself physically.

One year ago, I was settling into my pregnancy. And as I began to think of my child, and the kind of mother I wanted to be, I took a vow to love my body as it is , to focus on what it could do.

For 9 months, I listened to my body. I ate what I craved, worked out to the level I felt like that day, and embraced my pregnancy. Some days I ate tons of vegetables and fruits and would do my regular aerobics classes. Other days, I ate chocolate and skipped the gym to take an afternoon nap. I honored my body while it did the most pressing task it would ever do – nurture a human life. In return my body honored me.

Once my daughter was born, I continued the same pattern. I trusted my body to tell me what it needed. And five months post baby, I am at peace with my body. Let me state that again, after 5 years of active bulimia , 5 years of disorder eating… I am at peace with my body.

One of my favorite songs to sing to may daughter is Fingerprints of God by Steven Curtis Chapman. The chorus goes:

That I can see the fingerprints of God
When I look at you
I can see the fingerprints of God
And I know it's true
You're a masterpiece that all creation
Quietly applauds
And you're covered with
The fingerprints of God


Today I finally see what my Heavenly Father has always seen – my true beauty. And it feels wonderful!

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Yeah! I am so proud of you. That must be an awesome feeling!

Corinne said...

You are incredible :)
So glad you've gotten to this place. It's amazing what pregnancy and motherhood can do for our bodies, for so many of us it's the first time when we actually listen.

Kathie Brinkman said...

Lovely.

Young Mom said...

What a beautiful post! The longer I am married to my husband, and with each baby that has come along, I have gotten more and more OK with my body. Our bodies are incredible!

Alita- Da Mainiacs said...

So very very lovely!

Amy Jo said...

That is an awesome post!! Congrats on such a great accomplishment. It's amazing what our bodies can tell us....if only more people would listen.