September 08, 2011

Thursday Thoughts: Ready for Another Baby?

I hold the fevered toddler in my arms, feeling her warm body curling into mine, her soft breathe blowing against my neck, closing my eyes I remember when this toddler was a tiny infant who loved to nap on my chest with her tiny head tucked under my chin. As I reminisce, I feel the faintest sting of longing.

I turn to M and say “ I want to have more babies with you”.

He smiles and says “Now…?”

“Yes” is my reply.

Fast forward a few days, and the toddler is healthy, whole, and running wild thru the house. M is on the tractor, mowing the weeds that are threatening to overtake our blueberry fields, and so I am left alone to cook supper, bath Joycie, fold a load of laundry, and prepare for the next day.

As the sun is setting, M comes home. Joycie has just sput out her a half chewed piece of chicken and is rubbing it into her freshly washed hair. Frazzled, I glance and M and vow “We are not having another child anytime soon.”

And so it goes, a constant back and forth of wanting to expand our family and desiring to keep it in its present form. I know in the deepest parts of my heart that our family is not complete - there is an empty chair at our kitchen table that I hope will one hold a rowdy little boy with his father’s green eyes and strong chin. Or perhaps it is where our 2nd daughter will sit, giggling with her sister over shared secrets and Daddy’s jokes.

But something is holding me back. I often wonder if it is fear – fear of another pregnancy, fear of how our family dynamic will change, or is it selfishness. It takes careful coordination for M and I to do the things we do with just 1 child, how much more effort would 2 require. Moreover, I am in the best shape of my life, and I am not ready to allow my body to be changed by pregnancy. And then there is Joycie – the apple of our eyes, the center of our world – who is day by day developing more personality, more spunk. I worry that another child would somehow shortchange her.

So we wait…..and pray….. for guidance to know when the right time will be, for the child that is yet to come, and for the sleeping toddler who is a blessing to us daily

1 comment:

Maria said...

I changed my mind from "No, absolutely not" to "Yes, I'm ready" over the course of about 2 months. But once I (really, we) HAD changed my mind, I never regretted the decision. Even on the days when I'm thinking about passing my toddler off to the nearest passerby because I just. can't. take. anymore, I'm still so looking forward to meeting this little guy in December.

Just my 2 cents ;) When you know, you know.